loveofliving

01:27 pm: Work was actually fine last night! It was a busy night like, but not unbearably so! I finished at 10pm which means I'll get paid 45 euro, which is nice. I'll need 10 euro for weight watchers, and then I'll save 30 for presents (my mam's present really). Actually, for clarity sake, I need to list out here what I have left to buy for presents.

• My contribution to Mam's sat nav (30 euro) I'll have that by Thursday.
• The little bits to go with Leanne's present (15 euro) which I'll hopefully have the following week.
• My little cousins Megan and Zoe ( 5 each for Pjs) which I'll hopefully have that week also.
• Alan's parents and my granny (20) which I will hopefully have the following week. All of tis should be do-able providing I actually get the work.

This involves me getting hours this week. I'll hopefully get to work at the Snow Patrol gig on wednesday night. That would be very cool.
Last night was a competition among various theatre schools so was very cool to watch! Peter picked me up from it nd then we drove out to the coast and walked along the peer. it was so romantic. Then we came back to mine and stayed up drinking tea and chatting. He is so amazing. He says he never wants to spend a day apart. It's really sweet. I love him so much.

It's sad that his contract in work wasn't renewed, but hopefully it will mean positive things are coming his way, and a new turn in his life. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I genuinely do.

In other news, I really have to start deciding what I am going to do after this year. I finish my degree, and I need to decide whether I am applying for a masters, or straight to the H-dip. I am a bit lost at the moment about it.

Tags: christmass, college, h-dip, life, peter's job, work

12:32 pm: Counselling was brilliant yesterday. I got so much out of it and am really looking forward to my next session Wednesday afternoon. It's definitely going to help me, I can feel it.

Tonight is the competition on the radio. I can't wait! Peter is coming with me but I'll be getting the bus because I can't chance being late because Peter can't leave work till 5. It should be fun though! IMAGINE I won??? I'm so excited.

I am sooooooooo broody. It's scary. I'm 20, cop on Tracey!!!

Peter's contract isn't getting renewed :( It means he is unemployed after Christmass. He is a little worried, but hopeful. I am going to help him lots. I've already helped him do his CV (resime) Please pray he will (can relate to you now vawawwee )

Tags: broody, competition, counselling, peter's contract

08:39 am: I really cannot stress enough how much I am dreading this counselling appointment. I really just do not want to talk about anything. I feel like I don't need to or something. I mean I know I have serious issues, and I know I need something to help me become happy etc, but I am dreadin this so much. I am just going to go in and do what he tells me to do. I'm not going to be my usual dramatic self and try be funny or charasmatic. I'll be friendly, but I so desperately want this to be a good thing for me. I am really scared though. I don't want to cry. Funny thing is, I don't think I will. I have spoken about these things many times with friends etc, so my matter-of-fact attitude will probably throw the counsellor. All I can do is be honest, and do what he suggests, and it'll be all over in an hour and I'll know then if I want to pursue it or not. Either way I'll have given it a shot as opposed to running away, which I normally do. I seriously considered not getting up and avoiding it. I'm proud of myself for being strong.

Tags: a better me, counselling

11:06 pm: Ugh, my mam really pissed me off tonight. She goes through these phases of being way too opinionated about things that concern me and my life and she says annoying things about them, and it just makes me have that feeling where I wish I had my own space. I'm frustrated right now. I feel like I am being watched. I asked her to please stay out of the weight-loss thing because she has said a few things lately to upset me, and she got on her high horse and was screaming saying "don't talk to me like that, I mean it" with a raised voice and I was saying it so calmly and not speaking to her like anything other than normal. She really upset me. She's going on as if I'm hiding food, and sneaking around, and keeps commenting on it and "joking" about it and it really hurts my feelings. She knows that. She's not helping me. She's doing the opposite. When she stormed out of the room my sister, by mistake, walked in to me and spilled a whole cup of boiling tea over my chest. It was so sore :( and I screamed "i'm sure mam's delighted that happened to me" and then I said "I'm sorry we're all not as stunning as you mam" because everyone is constantly telling her she is. I was, and am, so angry.

On the brightside, I got my presentation done. Now I have two exams, and four essay do to in the next two weeks. Tough going, but has to be done.

Peter arrived at my house with an ice-pop (2 points) and my favourite magazine to cheer me up tonight. So sweet. I already had the magazine and thats the second time thats happened when he suprised me with it. He's so lovely. Missed him when he left. Will see him on Friday.
I'm meeting my friend Danielle tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. We'll have food and a good chat. Can't wait.

Councelling.... dreading it.

Night night x

Tags: college work, danielle, fighting, healthy, mam, peter, ww

04:45 pm: Cosy under the blanket of life..
I've been feeling so emotional today. It all started this morning. I had a doctors appointment for my BC prescription and ended up talking to the doctor about my anxiety problems. He gave me a note to give to the program office in college that will be the first step in rescueing me some marks for my poor attendance, I was fine at the time talking about it all, but I feel like that, along with a couple of other things, has me in bad form. When I came out I had texts from my mam talking about how she wonders if she is doing the right thing by allowing Peter to stay over so often etc, and if she is being a bad mother, and if it's pushing things too much etc after me getting so hurt with Conor. I totally got what she meant, but I am just so touchy. I hate that about myself. As soon as people criticise anything I'm doing I just et so defensive and it makes me sad and puts me in bad form. I need to work on that. I told her that she was not being a bad mother and that I am happy, and she seemed happy enough about that. I can see why she would worry, but it really is fine. I would spend every single day with Peter if I could, but I know I can't. I've seen him every single day this week, so now I won't see him tonight, tomorrow, or Friday. I'll see him on Friday night, and it will be amazing. I really love him, but I definitely don't want to do anything that will have a negative affect on our relationship.

I got a little emotional today just thinking about all that, and how I was hurt before, and how serious things have gotten with Peter and I. Without sounding too halmark, I really do feel like Peter is "the one". I really do see a great future for us. I feel like the things that could potentially break us up are all to do with my insecurity. Any fights we have had yet have been based somehow on me being insecure, self-conscious or just negative. I am never going to be able to fully participate fully in a loving relationship till I work on building a loving one with myself. At this present moment in time I am not being good to myself at all. I am happy with Peter and our relationship but in a sense I am indulging in it and neglecting things about myself, The things I need to work on myself are as follows :

• My weight. For fuck sake, and I'm sorry for the language, but I am sick of talking about this. I need to just do it already, and believe in myself, Food is not taking a hold on my life anymore. I want to be in control.
• My insecurity. I will talk to the councellor about this. I am so deeply insecure. I know that a HUGE part of this is my weight though, I am just so so so sick of how I look and feel. My fears of Peter is sraying are merely because I am unhappy with my body which affects my personality, how I hold myself, what I can wear, and all the rest.
• Trying to please people all the time. I need to accept that you can't always please everyone. If someone thinks I'm doing/have done something I shouldn't I need to have the assertion to be confident in the decision I made at the time and stick to my guns. I am an adult now, not a baby.
• Stop feeling guilty about my Dad. He is a grown man. There is nothing I can do but be honest and love him.
• My negative thoughts. I am constantly waiting for bad things to happen. I truly believe in the law of attraction, and I am sure I am only drawing more negativity towards me. I need to let go of negative feelings, stop thinking about bad things happening. Life is too short and I am ruining the good things in my life. I want to focus on all the good things and to literally train myself to not think negatively so eventually it will just be second nature.

I really have a serious amount of work to do. My first councelling appointment is tomorrow at 11am. I am a little nervous, and not looking forward to talking about certain things, but I am really hopeful that this could really help me. I want to be honest with myself from this point on.

Tags: councelling, dad, emotional, feeling sad, insecurity, me, peter

12:27 am: Mam wouldn'y accept any money from Peter. She really appreciated the gesture, and said if she is ever really stuck like in the New Year she will mention it. So I feel happy about that. He offered, and she was touched and happy, but didn't want to go for it. I think he will just continue to help out in the house, and every now and then get some groceries and stuff. I think that's fair enough!

I still haven't done my presentation. I really am being ridiculous at this point. Tomorrow is a busy day with my doctors appointment, student advisor meeting, meeting my friend for dinner, and most importantly : studying for my philosophy exam. I cannot fail this one. Must.study.lots!

Peter came over tonight and made me the most amazing dinner ever. He made me pan fried salmon which had been marinated in a fresh dill/crushed chilli/garlic/olive oil/salt/pepper marinade. With it we had the most devine baby potatoes cooked in butter and fresh dill, and steamed baby vegetables (baby carrots, corn, mange tout, and french beans) and it was pure deliciousness because the marinade from the salmon made the vegetables all spicy and salty, and generally delicious. It was super yummy. Then we attempted to bring Buddy for a walk to walk off some of the pounds (not that it was a fattening meal) and sweet jesus he is so unbelievably strong. My hands are still throbbing from the lead rubbing against it every time he tried to run away which was every 5 bloody seconds. It was so hard. We had to turn back after ten minutes. He is the strongest dog I have ever came across. He is half labrador/half pitbull, so he has the loyalty and poise of a labrador, but the strenght and visciousness of a pitbull. He is very complex altogether.

Also, I spoke to my Dad tonight. There is a good chance that we are going to his house for Christmass dinner (providing he actually gets one by then) and he wasn't sure i the older ones would want to, so I wanted to reassure him. I told him I wanted to of course, but that I also wanted to go to my aunts house that evening where all the family will be. These are the awkard things that come when your parents are divorved and not on speaking terms, and when the respective step-father doesn't like the father, bla bla bla.

I'm going in to Spin1038 radio station on Friday for the final of the competition. I am one of 10 finalists now for the singing competition. I have already won a singstar karaoke machine for the Playstation 3, but this final will decide who wins the all expenses paid trip to Wembley to see the X Factor concert . This person also wins a Playstation 3. Oh imagine. I have a 1 in 10 chance of winning. Wish me luck!

I reeeeally should go do this presentation. It is just a joke at this stage.

Tags: buddy, healthy, peter contributing, peter cooking, presentation

03:49 pm: Or are we dancer?
Tonight is my first dance rehearsal for Footloose, and I have to say I'm a little nervous. Because I'm probably the biggest person in the cast, and cearly very over-weight, dancing and the idea of people seeing me dancing is just a little nerve-wrecking. I know what I need to do. I just hope I can actually do it. I need to just really be confident about it, and have fun, and accept the fact that I am bigger and that doing this show is a positive step in the direction of being a happier and healthy person. I also walked today for an hour, so good exercise!

It's just started absolutely POURING rain. It does not look fun at all... I'm now starting to wonder about this 4 hour bus journey for the sake of one dance rehearsal which will last one hour. It doesn't seem so fun at all now... If I don't end up going to the rehearsal I'll definitely do some exercise. I'll maybe do some resistance work with my brothers weights, and some sit-ups and stuff.

Peter and I had a bit of a scary incident last night. I'm sure it's fine, but basically the condom sort of came off... and it was all a little... messy. It hasn't got me very very worried or anything, but it definitely is something on my mind. I'm on BC (the pill) but I often take it at the wrong time, and I know thats my own fault, but I am sceptical about how reliable it really is. Does anyone have any advice on this matter? Also, last night was day 21 of my BC, so I am due my period in the next 7 days. Does that complicate things? Was it a good or bad time for us to have an accident? Will I still get my period now regardless of whether I'm pregnant or not? Some advice would be great.

Also, Peter has been staying over a lot lately, like atleast 4 nights a week, so he has decided to give my mam 100 euro a month to contribute to the shopping bill etc. I think she will say "no" originally, but it is a nice thing to do, and it seems fair, so she and her fiancee will appreciate it I'm sure.

Tags: accident, footloose, healthy choices, peter, peter contributing

04:33 pm: fresh whites!
I think it's so endearing about how the little things in life really make us happy. You know those things that just made the day-to-day mundane things that bit more enjoyable or easy to deal with. For example, Perer always goes on about how amazing it feels when you find fresh whites to wear. What he means by this is clean, soft, fresh white sports socks. haha.

I'm sort of doing what vawawwee is doing, and started a fairly drastic health plan today. I am not eating the following : Fried food, bread, chocolate, crisps, and general processed crap. Now, granted I did make a little f-up today today by having one bread-stick dipped in to Nutella, but I'm sure it's not the end of the world. If anything it reminded me of how easy it is to fall off the wagon, so its not entirely negative. For breakfast I had Special K with banana and skimmed milk. For breakfast I had the most amazing Butternut Squash soup that I made myself. Peter loved it too. And tonight we are having this baked fish dish from Lidl that we saw Peter's parents having the other night, and it looked so delicious. I love fish.

Peter didn't go to work today because he isn't feeling great. He stayed in bed till about 12 and then we just chilled out together. It was lovely.

In other news, I have SO much college work to do. It's actually ridiculous. Oy, such is life!

Anyone have any nice healthy recipes that might be nice to try?

Tags: healthy eating, peter, work

03:36 pm: Let it shine!
My mam is in such terrible form. She's literally home 5 minutes and her and her fiance are bickering. Granted, her fiance can be an absolutely narky fecker, but I feel like she doesn't give him a break sometimes. Like he cleaned the house while she was gone and collected my brother from school, and mam comes home and she will zoom in on the one thing he does wrong. It annoys me! He definitely does his fair share in the house. I think there will always be underlying resentment towards him though till he starts working again. It's not that easy though. He is trying. Times are bleak. I hope they resolve it and mam chirps up a bit. She's on anti-depressants and I think they are having a bad affect on her at the moment. She went through a period of being so high all the time, and it feels like she's now going through the exact opposite. It's tough to watch to be honest.

In other news, Peter is home. It's all very lovely. There was a period last night where things were a bit awkward because, as I mentioned in a previous post, we had a little issue the day before he left, and we ended up nearly breaking up, but resolved it. It was a trust issue for me, and he was very apologetic, but it really felt like we should have been able to just spend days together sort of making up and spending quality time together. But unfortunately the timing of it wasn't great because he was off to Paris the next day. Anyway, I just go insecure last night. Then I heard he had to contact his X Girlfriend while in Paris because there was a problem with his eurostar tickets and it was her credit-card he used. It's really hard to not feel insecure about it. He did say something quite interesting last night though. We were talking about things like whether we had always wanted children from a young age and stuff, and of course I did my usual mistake of asking questions about the X and him, and he was saying he had just realised thaat it wasn't so much that things were going too fast (because in fairness they were together 4 years) but that she wasn't the right person to be going that fast with. It sort of put things in perspective for me. Realistically, if he wanted to be with her he would be. Especially because I feel like she is probably still interested in him. But he's not. He's with me. They broke up 10 months ago, and nothing has ever happened since, ever. They never kissed. They never nearly kissed. They were literaly just friends. At this particular moment in time they aren't good friends because she was caught reading his emails and he went mental at her, but I am sure they will get over that and they will be. I just don't know how I would handle that though. Like imagine me sitting at home while he hangs out with his X girlfriend. I really don't know how I would deal with that. Am I being unreasonable? I'm finding it hard to deal with.

I really need to get some college work done this weekend. I need to get my presentation done, and make a list of what needs to be done next. This semester is over so soon, its just went so rediculously fast.

I'm working on Saturday night which is cool because I need the money badly. I need to just bring packed lunches next week to college. Healthy ones. That way I'll feel happier, and will be saving money at the same time.

So the plans for the weekend are as follows L

Tonight- have a shower, maybe go see Peter's parents, cook dinner and watch a DVD.
Tomorrow- Lie on, help out with the house work,do my presentation and working tomorrow evening.
Sunday- maybe go to the car-boot sale if funds allow, and go see New Moon with some college girls in the evening time.

I would really ike to get a walk done also. I might do that tomorrow. I NEED to lose weight this week. I've been so lax about the whole thing.

By the way, I had a really sad dream the other night. I had a baby in the dream, and it was absolutely tiny, and it died, and I brought it back to life, and the dream was about me and the baby and it was just the most beautiful amazing thing in the world, and I was so happy, and I woke up and cried for hours because I missed it so much. The dream was SO real, and we really had a bond in the dream. I feel like I'm still mourning its loss.... :(

Tags: baby dream, family whoes, paris, peter, peter's x, weekend, working, ww

06:31 pm: Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the...
I cannot wait for Christmas, get here already.

It's so cold out today, and I got to see lots of my lovely friends in the space of an hour : namely Robyn, Ross, Ciara, and Aisling. Ciara wasn't feeling so happy today so Aisling bought her a Christmas tree-shaped cookie and a mince pie, and I felt even more Christmasy.

Ok, so I figure I talk about Peter a good bit in here, so it's probably time I uploaded a picture. I finally figured out how to get them from my phone to my computer, I am ever so clever. So I'll post one at the end of this post. I'll post a funny one where he has a farmers hat, a hillarious kitchen apron, and is making a rapper-pose as I like to call it. I think it captures his personality well, and one of the two of us.

I'm in the library now, and will be here for another two hours or so I would say. I have to get a presentation done for my Shakespeare, Marlowe and the East class done tonight and emailed to my tutor, and I also need to write up my little leaflet for singing classes and print them off to give to the principal of the school tomorrow. Then, hopefully, I can figure out what I need to do for my staging the celtic tiger class, and when my next essay is due and stuff.

After the library I am going home and I get to see Peter tonight. I am SO excited. It's only been three days, but feels like so much longer because we haven't really gotten to talk (his phone wouldn't work in Paris) and he was in a different country. Hey guys, remember what happened last time when a certain X boyfriend went on holidays? haha, I can joke about it to myself, don't worry. Anyway, I am SO excited about that. I cannot wait to kiss him, and hug him, and smell him. It will be great.


Caoimhe wrecked my head last night. Don't know why she can be so cranky at me. She was hinting at why I wasn't at the meeting, as if i purposely didn't go, whcih is bullshit, because I had to babysit. The boys ended up going to my dads, but that was at 9pm, which is when the meeting started, so I wouldn't have gotten there till 11pm. I just don't understand why she would be like that. I said to her "God, I just love being interrogated" and she said "to be fair". No, you're not being fair, you're being uneccesarily bitchy, and in my world good friends don't just do that. She does it a lot though, She is one of the only people who I can guarantee will point put when I've done something wrong, or make fun of me making a mistake, or just comment on how annoying I can be. I never say things like that to her, and I jsut don't know why or how she gets off on it. I'm pissed off now though!

My friend Robyn is now on this. It's weird for me to have someone on this who actually knows me. Even as I was about to write that about Caoimhe I was hesitant, but I will just have to trust that anything she reads will remain confidential and private. I've already said it to her, she totally understood and said "of course". I'll do the same for her too.

Oh yesterday morning I went up north with my mam and nanny to go christmass shopping. I got peters present, my sisters kris krindel present, some of my dads, some of my step dads, peters parents, my dad's girlfriend, and got myself a nice coat, scarf and gloves. Happy days! I had to get a loan to afford it, but it'll be fine to pay back once I start teaching in January.

I best be off to do some actual work now, terrah!



Tags: caoimhe, christmas, college, library, paris, peter, robyn, shopping

12:26 am: Absolutely gutted beyone words.
Ireland lost. We were fucking robbed. Henry, the frech prick, CHEATED, and as a result the french team have qualified for the world cup. I am devastated beyone belief. I cried like a baby when it ended. We played absolutely brilliantly, I was and am so proud of us. I feel so overwhelmed and patriotic. Peter just called me from Paris, he is absolutely shattered.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Tags: henry the prick, ireland, lost, world cup

12:58 am: I wish, more than anything, that I was not so insecure...
Has anyone any experience of being a really insecure person and there being a success story at the end of it? i.e you found a way to get over it, and are no longer that way. If so, do tell.

Insecurity for me includes the following : self-consciousness, jealousy, anger, self-abuse, denial.

Jealousy is the worst. It comes in bouts, but is so irrational, yet is such an intensely strong feeling and is so overwhelming. Like for example, just a few minutes ago I started thinking about Peter's X girlfriend (who he was with for four years and has had a lot lot lot of good times with, broke up on good terms, and is still good friends with. Note: also skinny, has curly hair, and possibly the most amazing smile ever) and instantly I felt absolutely shit. I feel utterly depressed now and I feel so out of control. I am actually poisoning myself by forcing myself to think about her face, and how pretty she is, and what her personality must be like, and what he really thinks of her, and them kissing and stuff. It is his past, and everyone has one (i have the exact same with conor) but why is it that I am such a jealous person? I always have been. I don't ever remember not being. It is such a horribel feeling though. So bad for me, but I don't know how to stop it. Any advice?

Peter called me from Paris 3 hours ago. His phone is not working over there which sucks because we can't text and I'll probably just hear from him once tomorrow, but it was so lovely to hear from him. The strange thing is I got all choked up when he rang. Like you know that instant tears type thing where your throat gets really restricted because you have to hold back those really forceful tears? LIke that. It was so bizzare. I wasn't sad. Well I was sad insofar as I miss him and it's weird knowing he is so far away, and I am worried about him as these football trips are wild and involve a rediculous amount of alcohol, and there will no doubt be trouble especially tomorrow night after the game, but in general I was just so happy and relieved to hear from him. Now that I think of it I was probably just overwhelmed, I am so mad about him though. I love him so much. He told me he can't wait to see me, and he loves me so much, and he wants to collect me from every single "Footloose" rehearsal that I will ever have. haha, he is so sweet. Only two more days to go till I see him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is SO TRUE. I literally can't believe how much I miss him...

Speaking of Footloose, we had out first meeting today and it was lovely. I am really excited about it, and I think it will be challenging but I say bring it on. I want my dancing to improve so this is a good opportunity for that. I am really looking forward to it. I got my script and everything.

Tomorrow I am going shopping up north. I can't wait. I had to get a small loan for Christmass this year. Nothing major, no big deal, but will make all the difference for me. A few hours ago I had no clue what to get Peter for Christmass but after talking with Robyn today, and thinking about it on the long bus journey home, I now have too long of a list. Whoopsie! I want to be really organised this christmass though. I have the mony for my parents, step parents, and granny ready and saved already. Tomorrow I hope to get my sister, my aunt, a lot of peters, and a winter coat for myself. I <3 shopping, especially the north. We are LEAVING at 7am though which is not fun... I'll get 5 hours sleep. Oh well, I can get an early night tomorrow after watching the match (which we are going to win by the way, and Ireland will qualify for the world cup)

I stayed in the library till 10pm tonight and got my essay done. Phew! I also found my doctors note. All is well. I have to get a lot of work done again on Thursday. it feels good. Pro-active Tracey is slowly but surely showing her face.

xxx

Tags: christmass, essay, insecurity, ireland qualifying for the world cup, love, paris, peter, robyn, shopping, the x files

03:47 pm: shambolic
I just spent two hours chatting with friends, and am now even less motivated than I was before to do college work. What is WRONG with me?

Tags: college, sham, un-motivated

12:27 pm: I get by with a lil' help form my....

• Make a councelling appointment and get letter for extenuating circumstances form.
• Make doctors appointment and ask for copy of note he gave me but of which I lost.
• Ask Aisling O' Grady for a note also.
• Do my philosophy of Language essay.
• Plan my presentation on "the east" and email it to tutor.
• Email other tutor regarding attendance...
• Plan essay for staging celtic tiger and make annotated bibliography to email to tutor.
• fill out extenuating circumstances form

There is probably a lot more than that to do, but that is the main stuff. I am not looking forward to counceling, as it really is a pain to have to talk about things, but hopefully in the long run it will have a positive affect on my well-being. I hope so anyway.

I'm going to the north tomorrow with my mam and nanny to go christmass shopping. I need to make a list of what I need to buy and for whom etc. I love shopping possibly more than any other activity, except singing maybe.

I have my first "Footloose" meeting tonight. I'm excited. Aific and Aisling will be there. I'm still bummed Caoimhe won't be. It'll also be such a pain getting the bus home late tonight when it's bloody freezing. Brought my book for the bus though so all is not lost.

Peter is on his way to Paris for the Ireland-France world cup qualifiers football game. We lost the first leg, and it would be so unreal if we won this one. Keith Barry, a t.v psycic, predicted 2-1 to Ireland. That would be amazing! It would absolutely make Peter's life. I have never ever ever seen someone so passionate about football, and out home team,He is so patriotic. He gets all teary thinking about it. I really really really really hope we win. It would jsut be unbelievable. I'll miss him while he's gone. Its only two days though realistically. I'll see him Thursday night. We had some issues yesterday, and met up to talk last night, and it was lovely. He brought me for a gorgeous meal in Acapluco (an amazing mexican restaurant) and we went for a drink too. Then he came back to mine for tea and cuddles. He left his jumper with me because it smells like his cologne. mmm it;s so good! He looked so good last night. I love his clothes. He was wearing check trousers, with brown shoes and a v kneck dark grey jumper with a shirt underneath and his hair all gelled and perfectly styled haha. He is so yummy!

I better go sort out various things now, I wish I felt more in control. Oy!

Tags: christmass, college work, councelling, exams, footloose, ireland match, life, little fight, paris, peter, shopping

01:33 am: But it all was bullshit...
Just got home from my third night of seeing "the wedding singer" musical in college. It is so good! I get to go for free because i'm on the musical society comittee, and a lot of my friends are in it, and caoimhe is doing the mike dressing for it, so it's a cool environment to be in. I won't be going tomorrow night though. They are all going out afterwards, but to be honest I'm not up for it. I haven't been in the mood for going out lately, been feeling a bit funny.

I have been feeling a bit low lately. It's that sort of anxiety/depression thing I had a while back. I'm trying really hard to dig deep and discover the source, but I really don't know how. I can say that maybe I'm stressed because I have let college work collapse infront of me and have made a mess of it, but I know deep down that the reason I have done that IS because I'm feeling so low. I feel very out of control in many ways, and feel like days and even weeks are slipping by so fast and I'm sort of not progressing in any aspect of my life. Like I'm not advancing in college because I'm doing no work, or im not losing weight because I'm not fully comitting to it, and my self-worth or self esteem is not improving in any way, but is probably getting a little worse each day as I have the added stress of doing terrible in college, lack of weight loss, feeling low. I just feel really lost at the moment. It's like I know exactly what I want, and how I can get it, but I have zero motivation to do any of it. That's a real sign of depression. I hate not being in control of my feelings. I hope this sorts itself out. I need to try get on top of things though, like actually try. I need to go to WW tomorrow, and I need to o significant college work this week, and really take care of myself, get enough rest and me-time. I also need to stop smoking! I don't mind the odd one when i'm out or whatever, but pointless smoking during the day HAS to stop now. It's ridiculous, and has me coughing my lungs up. I am a gobshite. My brother had cancer.

No other news really. WW has been going...strangely. I suppose technicelly "WW" is awful as Im not counting points at all, but my eating has definitely improved and I have made a lot of good choices this week. I did, however, make quite f ew bad ones like a burger king at night when I had already gone over my points for the day, a snickers bar and packet of crisps, and general late night snacking. I definitely could be up this week. I definitely won't have lost. To have stayed the same would be lovely. I am learning though, and its consctantly on my mind, so I am on the right track to it being a steady journey I am committed too.

I feel really happy around all the musical people. A couple of the girls are in Footloose and it has me SO excited. Can't wait! I'm still sad Caoimhe won't be in it though :(


So that's me, toodles!

Tags: caoimhe, college, depression, footloose, life, peter, the wedding singer, ww

11:18 am: push it real good!
Ever so nearly fell off the wagon this weekend! I definitely made some bad choices, but I have four full days to make up for it now. I'm going to make ome-made zero-point soup I think. It will work like a jem and is a good way if of getting my veggies in. I am determined to lose this week. I really am still learning about how to overcome my weaknesses with food. It's crazy how not in control I am right now, but I'll get there.

So I left my teaching job. I know this might sound shocking as I absolutely loved teaching those kids singing and drama, but good lord I could not handle how unproffessional and immature te managment were being. Imagine checking up on your staff on Facebook? Imagine texting your employees MOTHER (yes he text my mother, you heard me) tryign to catch them out when they call in sick ONCE. It was rediculous. Funny thing was, I genuinely was sick. I still am kinda, this cough is just not going anywhere. But the whole process was so ridiculousl juvenile, and bithc, and un-professional, and they made me feel like absolute shit all week. I was completely dreading work on Sunday, so on Friday I just completely broke down and knew I needed to do something. I was absolutely terrified of the confrontation. Having spoken to my mam, and her fiance, and Peter, I knew what I needed to do. I don't want to work for a place that makes me feel like that. It's not worth €52 a week. To add to that, they never had a positive thing to say about me. I mean, I am a damn good teacher. My classes were always well planned out and thoughtful and the kids learned and had great fun. But they never even once came in to my class, or asked how it was, or said anything positive. Instead they just said negative things about superficial stuff regarding my clothes, or the fact that you could see the size tag on my scarf. Wtf? She said "we don't liek to see tags Tracey". You know what the funny thing is? It was because the tag said "penneys" (which is an amazing discount store here in Ireland/UK) and not something like "Juicy Couture" or the expensive crap a lot of them wear. I was beginning to feel damn miserable, and you know what? I am really proud of my decision. I know some people might think it was the cowards way out (I emailed them a huge long letter stating my case, and being very proeffesional about my resignation, though also being brutally honest about how bad thr managment is and how awful they made me feel) but that really was the only option for me. A face to face confrontation would never have worked for me because I am SO intimidated by them (even ona  "normal" day) and would have never ever ever said those things to their face. I would have been more likely to cry and back down and probably be convinced to stay and felt worse. So, really, this was the right decision. I said all I needed to say, but I did not stoop down to their childish level. i was professional and classy, and I am proud of myself for this. It was only a part-time job anyway. If this were a problem relating to my professional career in a couple of years then I would certainly go about it differently. I will never look for a reference from these, the job had no bearing on my career, and it will have no great consequence. I just feel I need to justify my actions in this specific circumstance, because it was a very difficult situation. Now I need to make sure that they pay me what I am owed, I need to figure that out today!

I am so excited about Footloose. I am thrilled I got a lead, but the genera feeling about the musical isn't great at the moment because all of my musical friends got in to the Chorus excepy my very best friend Caoimhe, who is absolutely amazing. I am devastated for her and she spent an hour crying down the phone to me. Literally all of the girls got in, except her. She is amazing, and deserved to be in it, and I just don't know how I feel about it now. Musicals in college always were "our" thing. last year we did RENT together twice, and I have no idea what this will feel like. What will she do? We'll all be rehearsing together, going on cast nights-out, doing the show together, and she won't be involved. I feel sick when I think about it.

I met some of Peter's family last night. I met his two uncles and two aunts. One was over from Canada and the family are quite negative towards him as he hasn't kept in much contact. It was a fun night because they seemed to really like me and his auntie said "you're lovely Tracey, you are exactly what peter needs". I thought that was funny. He came back and stayed with me last night again. He is so lovely.

I am feeling a biy insecure today though... We were talking about our respective X's and it just had a bad affect on me. I really wish I wasn't so damn insecure. It drives me insane! It was because the "good times" were mentioned, and she is really pretty and think and all of that came rushing to my head and today I feel shit about it. I hoep it just goes away. I have no experience of this feeling as Conor was my first BF and I was his first GF so we had no romantic past to have issues with. Any advice? It's not a nice feeling.


My Goals For Today :

• Get this philosophy essay done and dusted. It was due on Friday, so email lectuer explaining my case.
• make vegetable soup/eat healthily.
• make a to-do list for the week
• work out what the company owe me in payment and email them about it.

p.s can I just say... X FACTOR is bloody ridiculous. I always thought John and Edward were funny and quirky and oddly entertaining, but they were kept in last night to the detriment of, in my opinion, THE best singer and performer in the competition. Lucie is gone, and it is ridiculous. The whole show is such a sham!

<3

Tags: caoimhe, footloose, goals, insecurity, peter, the x files, ww, x factor

10:42 am: Good News
Yesterday really was a day for excellent news. Here is my good news :

•  I got cast in my Universities musical. It's Footloose and I got the part of Wendy Jo. I'm in three songs, one of which is "I need a hero" and I get to do dance routines and everything. I am so excited. My audition was so last minute, and it was while everyone was doing their re-calls, so I didn't even have to go back for a second audition. I was just cast immediately. I was so shocked when I heard, and just absolutely delighted. I'm over the moon. What a great project to sink my teeth in to. 

• I lost 4.5 lbs in weight watchers this week which I am absolutely chuffed about. This is my first loss since I started. I am a happy lady. Really can't wait till the weight loss starts showing. 

I'm feeling really happy about both of those pieces of news. The sweetest thing happened last night. I was on the phone to Peter and we were both really sleepy and ended up falling asleep on the phone together. It was such a lovely thing to happen. He is so amazing.

Today I am spending the day writing an essay which hopefully won't be too difficult, and then I'm in work tonight so will be leaving at about 5 for that. Peter will probaby stay over tonight. Hope all is well in everyone's world <3


Tags: essay, footloose, peter, work, ww

01:58 pm: A new perspective <3
I'm watching Oprah now and it's a decoration episode where Nate re-decorates a family's home. This particular episode is a mother's wish to create a space for her children to bring their friends etc, and it is so sad, because she has terminal cancer. It is such heart-wreching episode and I've spent the last hour balling crying over it. It put things seriously in perspective for me. My problems are so trivial. I need to be more positive and grateful. We only have today! That is all we are guaranteed.

Tags: grateful, happiness, life, love, oprah, positive thinking

06:18 pm: Another day another...euro.
Just a wuick post from colege as I have to fantically write an essay in the next two hours. Fun! I had a brilliant weekend at Peter's. On Friday night we had out first little fight. It was over something silly, and we soon made up, but it was kind of refreshing. It is passion after all.We made an amazing dinner on Friday night. We soaked chicken fillets in a mustard/honey paste and then oven baked them and then mad an amazing prawn stirfry and some potatoe wedge things. It was so yummy, and really easy to point. We even had WW chocolate eclairs for dessert (omg these could not be 1.5 points. They are sensational) and then on Saturday we slept in SO late. His bedroom is in the attic and its so dark when the blinds are down and I just had the best nights sleep ever. Great waking up beside him too! On Saturday we chilled, ate some fruit, and went on a little expedition to get grocerys, and a DVD and to go to the bank etc. It was lovely! When we got back he played his playstation and I watched X factor... What did people think of it this week? I genuinely thought Rachel sang amazingly. Anthony was OUT OF KEY for the entire song, and I just think the twins are hillarious. Then we made dinner which concisted of mussels in a garlic butter (only 2.5 points for a good portion), the prawn stirfry again, and some potatoes. Yum! Then I proceeded to drink a full bottle of champagne and ended up being SO drunk. It's so funny looking back now. But God, I was bad. I ended up being pretty sick too, which isn't nice at all. It was so sweet though because Peter cuddled me and put a huge hoodie on me, and we fell asleep spooning for hours. It was so cosy. The next morning we just chilled till his parents got home then met my mam and her fiancee to watch the Birmingham match (her fiancee is a brummy) and mam and I went home to watch X Factor while the men stayed in the pub. I LOVE that I could just leave Peter there and he is well able to just have a laugh and not be babysat you know? They both arrived home at 10pm absolutely pissed. It was hillarious. Till Peter told me he showed her fiancee a video of my drunk from the night before (he didn't think it would bother me) and I got pissed off and we ended up off with eachother for a while. He was pretty drunk so there was no point argueing. He apologised today. We had a good chat and I was expressing my worries about the fact we've had two fights now in the space of three days and he made a very good point- we're still only getting to know eachother. We really are. We don't know eachother well enough to know how the other person is going to react in every situation. It reassured me. I don't think we are going to be the fighting kind. I hate fighting.

There was some drama yesterday with work in the performing Arts school... I am too drained (and frankly, pissed off) to get in to it. But the gist is that I called in sick, and it isn;t acceptable. I was coughing my lungs up all day and couldn't work, but they are saying things like "oh well your facebook says you had a great weekend with your boyfriend. You were fine then" I'm like...WHAT does that have to do with being sick? They are idiots! I'm so pissed off. My boss text my mam "by mistake". How fucking childish. I am livid!

WW is going really well. I've been sticking to my points and tracking everything. Also eating really healhily which feels great. I'm looking forward to the meeting on Thursday.

Essay time, hope everyone is well.

<3

Tags: drunk, essay, halloween, peter, work woes, ww

01:32 am: Goodnight world <3

• Didn't get my essay done, emailed lecturer about extension, will hopefully get one till Monday.
• My suspicions were correct. I gained weight this week. I gained .5 lbs, and I absolutely deserve it.
• I'm up super early tomorrow for teaching in the halloween camp. I'm teaching singing/drama from 9am-4.
• I'm excited about spending the weekend at Peter's. I think we will get drunk on Saturday night :-)
• I am determined to get on top of my academics and to lose weight this week.
• I wish I was not dreading tomorrow. The people who own the performing arts school are materialistic superficial pains in the ass.
• I have a packed lunch tomorrow or tuna sandwhiches (on WW bread) fruit and water. This excites me!
• I am so in love.

Tags: essay, food, love, peter, teaching, ww, ww gain